Last month, I wrote about the importance of giving effective feedback and shared tips for how to deliver a tough message. But there’s the recipient’s experience to consider as well, because there’s no escaping feedback in life.
Feedback could the pain we experience after accidentally touching a hot stove burner, or the humiliating words we hear from a friend, coworker or boss about how we need to change our game. Then, there’s that internal voice that berates us with, “How could I have said that?”
Constantly, we are reminded of how we are doing,or whether we are living up to our personal values or the expectations of others.
So, feedback is a fact of life and fundamental to our success. Without it, the status quo would prevail, “average” would become the norm and new discoveries and results might not occur at all.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean we are ready, willing or able to listen, especially to tough feedback. As Amy Jen Su eloquently described in the Harvard Business Review, feedback, even delivered effectively, can feel like a punch in the stomach, causing us to recoil and reject the message out of hand.
I’m personally still learning to embrace “the gift of feedback,” especially when it doesn’t match my expectations. When I’m blindsided, I can anguish for days or weeks, lose sleep, hesitate when I should take action, lose my mojo. This is unproductive behavior on my part.
And others, I believe, do the same: When we don’t hear feedback “in the moment,” then acknowledge and act on it rather than worry about it, we lose an opportunity to change our game and even raise it, as needed.
Of course, when feedback comes your way, you don’t have to act immediately, or act every time. However, you do need to make sure you listen. File it away for future reference, if necessary. Ultimately, the choice to act, or not act, is yours. Here are six tips for hearing tough feedback and reacting graciously.
1. Stop!
When we receive tough feedback, the amygdala in our brains is triggered. This is the piece of our limbic system responsible for the fight or flight response. Unfortunately, that response, designed to protect us from threats, may misperceive feedback as the threat.
And that’s a problem because the real threat is the behavior or event that triggered the need for feedback in the first place. So, stop at the first sign that a “Yes . . . but!” or “You’re wrong” response starts bubbling up. Tamp it down. Don’t react to the feedback. Instead, bide your time; listen to the whole message. Then choose your response.
Dr. Travis Bradberry from Vital Smarts emphasizes that learning to stay calm, especially when you’re receiving tough feedback, will enhance your effectiveness.
2. Say “thank you.”
I know, your critic wasn’t expecting that! However, before you get on your high horse and start telling the other person how misguided his or her feedback is, stop, look the other person in the eye and deliver a heartfelt “Thank you!”
My guess is that if the feedback was important, your colleague will have put a lot of thought and effort into drumming up the courage to tell you. Chances are, this person cares enough about you and your relationship to share the message. So the least you can do is acknowledge it and say “Thank you.”
I promise, that response will stand you in good stead, and likely ensure that the communication channels remain open. In addition, you’ll receive…